I think it is very common and normal to think about death. I have my funeral all planned out. I have been suicidal in my lifetime before, and it is important to understand that life is a beautiful thing. Even in your pain. And the relief you think you’ll feel won’t exist because it will just be nothing which means you won’t necessarily have a chance at joy, dependent on your religion. I think sometimes it can be a comfort to think that you can have a plan for something as unpredictable as death and have a say in something that is otherwise unmoved. As humans, we want to be in control of our lives and how we live them and what occurs in them.
This is not to say that you should use this tactic to take control, because it would actually be losing control, of course. I know you said you are not suicidal, but I’ll state it for anyone out there, there are always more negative effects in the end result of those things. It’s never a solution and never a positive. There are always other options and always a reason to keep going, as impossible as it may feel.
My friend, Mr. Oberst, has said, “There are hundred of ways to get through the day, now you just find one.”